Let’s face it - expressions of anger in our children can be overwhelming. The shouting, stomping, crashing and banging. The “I hate you to death” (a favourite of one of my children many years ago) and the “You’re not my real mum” that those of us raising other people’s children will come across at some point (be prepared - it hurts the first few times and it hurts more if you don’t see it coming).
Difficult as it is to be around, we don’t want to teach our children to avoid anger. We want to teach them to manage this difficult emotion safely and well. We want to teach them that we’re still available when they’re angry. We want to teach them that we have the skills to help.
Anger is often fully justified - and that’s when it’s easier to deal with - “I’m angry that you used something of mine without asking. Next time can you ask?” “I’m angry that didn’t let me finish my game before I had to come off my phone even though I’d nearly finished. Next time can I finish my game first?” We can coach our children to find the words to have those difficult conversations calmly and respectfully - teaching them the valuable skill of negotiating boundaries.
But sometimes anger isn’t justified - a difficult enough thing for grown adults to make sense of let alone developing children. One of my girls remembers the day she wanted a third ice cream and we unapologetically said no. She was furious - not just for a few minutes or even a few hours but for a few months. She expressed her rage with aggression and with sneaky passive aggression. Her anger wasn’t justified - anger isn’t justified when we feel entitled to something we don’t actually have a right to. We can support our children to reflect on events - to weigh up whether the situation was really as unfair as it felt. We can normalise all of that so they experience a healthy dose of humility and not shame.
It takes time and practice to develop anger management skills. It’s hard. And more so where there’s trauma and neurodivergence. But - it’s not impossible. Let’s step in and help.