Disenfranchised grief in adoption (and other similar family set ups) is a topic close to my heart - grief that society (and often family) doesn’t acknowledge, understand, or validate.
The obvious losses - birth parents, grandparents, siblings, foster carers, friends, teachers, people, places, traditions, routines - at the time of being moved and for a long time afterwards - triggered through life by changes like going on holiday, starting a new school, and moving house. And the not so obvious losses - felt safety, personal autonomy, belonging, identity, learning capacity, relational capacity - the person I would’ve been had I stayed within my original family, the person I would’ve been without the impact of neglect, abuse, trauma - lost abilities and lost opportunities that completely alter the life trajectory - a loss that goes on, breeding further loss with transition through developmental/life stages.
Secondary grief experienced by adopters is another form of disfranchised grief - a hidden and often unrecognised sorrow. Helpless to alleviate the suffering and make it better. Empathy for the different - often incompatible - thoughts feelings, needs, and wishes of individual children - unable to fully validate and properly support any one child. Empathy for birth family can be intertwined - a profound sense of compassion that sits alongside many other complex emotions.
These complex feelings need to be honoured if we’re to be the firm anchor our children and young people need - if we’re to provide the connection, nurture, leadership, guidance, and limits that ground them in the here and now and bring elements of safety to the process. It can especially important - and especially challenging - as they find themselves in yet another storm - with all the instability that brings.